The Law Revue

Since I don't feel like writing anything about the Law Revue - I figured I'd just steal Nancy's write for the Legal Eye. So here it is, Nancy, I hope you don't mind:

The 2007 UBC Law Revue, entitled “Derivative Works for Make Benefit Glorious Faculty of Legal Educations” was held on Monday, March 12 and Tuesday, March 13, 2007. Under the direction of Nick Tsoi and Matt Harding and the stage management of Jennifer Lau, the law school was treated to two hilarious evenings, amply demonstrating just how talented law students really are. And since the Law Revue was a dry event this year, it also showed how fast law students can chug a pitcher of beer within the 15 minute intermission, guaranteeing a no-longer sober audience during the second half of the show.

The show opened with Crystal Maltesen doing her best at stand-up with a voice-over continually prompting her to “move to the right” until she was off stage. The second scene was a gut-splitting musical number by Matt Brandon, singing the virtues of being a “Discretionary Student” – “maybe I’m disabled or was a pregnant teen…or perhaps a dyslexic transsexual.” Scenes were broken up by the musical stylings of the Screeching Beavers, comprised of five members of the men’s Rugby Team displaying their musical talents, while also displaying a ton of chest hair (or lack of). One of my favourite lines of the evening came from the “99 B-Line Love Story,” “ah, the B-Line, nothing like the stench of poverty in the morning.” Indeed.

Each scene was introduced by the obscene and shameless Borat, played flawlessly by Mike Berger. I especially loved Borat’s introduction of the “international singing prostitutes – the Spice Girls,” where Ashley Syer, Crystal Maltesen, Jenna Poirier and Law Revue veteran, Liz Donkervoort crooned “if you wanna be a lawyer, you gotta get with my firm” in ultra-skimpy outfits. Liz re-appeared in her 2005 Halloween costume as Scary Spice, prompting the scary question “will Liz’s tiny tube top stay on through the entire number?” Fortunately, it did.

The audience was again treated to lots of skin, although in a terrifying, gag-inducing way with the bevy of drag queens appearing in “Deal or No Deal,” a criminal law version of the popular Howie Mandel game-show. “Howie’s Ladies” turned out to be the male members of the cast clad in tiny, skin-tight dresses, which were hopefully burned after the last night of the show. If anything, this scene made me want to sear my own corneas out (yes, Mitch Dermer, I’m talking to you!)

An audience favourite was “Charlie v. The Chocolate Factory,” a delicious courtroom battle between Willy Wonka (played to effeminate, slightly drunken perfection by Dan Barber) and the kids who visited the Chocolate Factory. Getting the most laughs was Adam Gotfried as the fat, chocolate-filled Augustus Gloop, whose Nutella-smeared face delivered hysterical lines such as, “I looked for a sign, caution, achtung! But zere was nozzing!” and “thanks, Herr Lawyer.” Especially titillating were the obvious sexual innuendos littered throughout the skit – Liz Donkervoort as Violet Beauregarde testifying “he sticks this hard wad into my mouth – how could I not swallow?” And who can forget Dan Barber’s Willy Wonka cooing to his “sweet very very supple co-counsel,” the Oompa-Loompas, dressed in neon green wigs and mooting robes.

The second act opened with the always hilarious Katie Seymour. However, there were a few changes this year – instead of the Weekend Update skit we’ve grown to love, it was “The Presidential Report,” and instead of Katie’s usual sidekick Ryan Austin, we had the pleasure of watching Katie square off against the comedic stylings of Matt Brandon. The bantering between the two LSS presidents (one on the way out, the other on the way in) was delightful, with Katie throwing in several barbs regarding Matt’s advanced age. A scene sure to be an audience favourite was the presentation of the Nosebeard Award. The nominees were Professor Wexler, LSLAP supervisor Brian Higgins and the winner, Professor Elliot. Professor Elliot couldn’t be there to accept the award, so he sent his mustache instead. That writhing, wriggling “mustache” drew some of the biggest laughs of the night.

Also providing non-stop laughter was this year’s edition of “Get the Fung out of my Face” with Jeremy Fung. Beloved moments include what seemed to be a 40 foot cable connecting one’s laptop to a lone plug somewhere in the law building, cost effective measures making Criminal Law with Professor Candida a viable resort, Jeremy interviewing fellow students who all tell him “I have an articling job” even when the question had nothing to do with work, and Jeremy attempting to mack on some girls in the IA and then appearing to read “Sexual Assault” by Christine Boyle in the library. That’s pure gold, people. Props to Ryan Austin and Thomas Wong, who created this vignette with Jeremy.

“Frustrating Interruptions” played off on the law school’s beloved Professor Wexler (a regular character in each Law Revue) and on the most annoying student stereotypes, such as the sniffler, cell phone guy, the keener, the student who’s always late for class, and the endless sound of construction that perforates the law school. “El Slappo” provided a Latin legal superhero who “will fight for the poor and the guilty – er, I mean the innocent until proven guilty,” but who is helpless in trying to get you an appointment with Brian. “Wine and Cheese: 2015” gave us a terrifying glimpse into the future where firms such as Dwinnel, Sharma and Lam will inspire blood-bath and combat as future law students battle it out for that lone articling position (hmmm, that doesn’t sound that different from today’s Wine and Cheese atmosphere).

The evening ended off with the wildly entertaining “Pimp My SCC,” with Nic Tsoi playing Bev McLachlin, or, as “she” liked to be called, CJB Money. Jenna Poirier played Ian “Bins” Binnie, who helped CJB Money pimp the latest SCC justice, “Young Marshall” Rothstein. The plan backfired when Young Marshall enacted a coup and overthrew Bev, whose protest “I’m CJB Money, I’m bigger than peace, order, AND good government” fell upon deaf and newly blinged-out ears.

All in all, it was a fantastic two evenings of hilarity, filled with legal jokes only law students could laugh that hard at. Thanks to an amazing cast and crew for making the Law Revue another huge success.